27.
This year was a shit storm to put it mildly. I was tested every step of the way; as a mother,
wife, daughter, friend, an artist. I loved A LOT.  And lost just as much. Through the bad, I’ve been able to discover I’m a giver and often give so much of myself that I neglect me. I have spent much of the last few days mourning what I have given because I realize it can never be regained.

And no one cares.

People are inherently selfish. This isn’t a bad or good thing. It just is. It can be detrimental to others who are willing to give their last. Oftentimes, I have found myself on fumes because I place so many above me. And whenever they were thriving, I was left falling apart.

As I traverse more into the threshold of adulting, I find I suck at it more times than not. This isn’t a bad thing (I often tell myself), it simply means I’m closer to getting it right. I spent so much time trying to validate myself in others that I compromised my value. The reason we have standards is to essentially provide a moral compass as to what we consider deal breakers. The mistake I made was saying to hell with my standards and became the proverbial Oprah.

“You get a piece. You get a piece. You get a piece!” I behaved as if I had an unlimited supply of me to give out. After imparting so many pieces, my sense of peace was eroded and consequently, I became depressed.

I had this expectation I’d be treated how I was treating others. Here’s the thing with takers: they only give a minuscule portion of themselves to keep the reservoir of you available to them. My well did not runneth over yet I was working overtime to keep “friendships” or “relationships” I thought I needed. I fought against my intuition to keep people who didn’t care about my well being. They were concerned with getting their fill. I encouraged this behavior by constantly enabling them to believe they can only check in to check out what they needed from me.

Somewhere along the line, I stopped loving myself the way I should. We are taught to give love away but there is a disclaimer that falls silent: Do not give away parts of you without taking care of you first.

It doesn’t make you selfish or like them. It keeps you healthy; mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

I have never felt so drained in my life. I found myself to be inundated in a sea of takers with maybe one or two people like myself. Balance is needed. We must keep like minded people around to remind us, self care is utmost, because as givers, we will forget.

The turning point would have to be a couple of days ago. My 28th birthday. I was willing to forgive so much if I was given that small portion to satiate me as it had during chapter 27. It never came. I sat in my room, a deluge of tears with no end in sight. I was disappointed in myself for having an expectation that I knew would not be fulfilled.  It was then I realized the change needed to take place within. I needed to stop waiting on others to value me and becoming frustrated when they didn’t. I needed to be unafraid to shed the dead weight and trust the universe would align me with the people who understand and live in reciprocity.  I spent majority of my time detoxing from individuals I felt hurt me. I decided I will not offer explanation or seek closure.

Sometimes closure is just another way to keep you captive to the thing or person you’re trying to free yourself of. I can’t say if I’m right about the decisions I have chosen to make. But I can say this; I feel much lighter. I needed to loosen the noose around my neck. Chapter 28 will consist of a continuation of eradicating what doesn’t serve me in the capacity I need it to. I have chosen to break up with dysfunction; it is them but it was also me. It is very personal and contingent upon my sense of joy and peace.

Promise to self: I refuse to self destruct at the cost of others getting their peace while taking away my peace. I will feed me first and make no apologies.