What Actually Happened Was…

Last year around this time, I posted about goals (http://⁠2018 Plans – Ashlee Diamond⁠⁦‪ashleediamond.com‬⁩.) About following a certain plan to achieve goals. About pen to paper. About steps. About SMART goals. I gave statistics. I gave evidence. I gave examples.

A year later, I’m assessing where I am and what I accomplished. Being honest with my readers is only possible because I am honest with myself. I didn’t accomplish nearly as much as I set out to do. And of course I thought about where I went wrong.

What step did I miss?

There’s a small but very necessary thing that must be present for goal achievement: faith. Faith is the strong belief in something or someone. It is knowing a thing to be true and not having all the evidence to support it. It’s a divine knowledge that can only be explained by spirituality.

I lack this in certain aspects of my life. I think of my upbringing and how it still affects me to this day, while also thinking of the things I did accomplish this year that will pave the way for me in 2019.

To be completely transparent, I didn’t plan nor think of going to therapy this year. I was actually quite resistant towards it. When I first started seeing my therapist, much of my session was me being reticent. I tried to paint a version of myself that would get her to say I didn’t need this. As a professional, she saw through my facade. And little by little, I opened up.

One of my goals is/was to be well into entrepreneurship. This requires discipline, sacrifice, commitment, and most importantly, faith. I didn’t have access to any of these things at the level required to even begin my journey. The unseen step needed was and is therapy. This step has allowed me to investigate and evaluate my ways of thinking because of my childhood. I’ve spent this year unlearning and readjusting, unfurling and realigning, undoing and restoring. This road hasn’t been easy, there’s been tears, doubt, frustration, and perhaps most troubling of all, confrontation. There wasn’t anyone to place blame on once I uncovered certain issues. I had to confront myself and the many things I was holding onto (some things I still hold onto), and do the work to get to the healing.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned this year is the way in which I view myself directly relates to the chances I’m willing to take. The risks I’m willing to see through. Restorative practice looks like learning ways to uplift myself. To encourage myself. I struggle majorly in this area. The negative voice seems to always win. And while I can say there have been strides in the direction of healing, there are still days where I feel defeated. I am not afraid to admit I’m scared to be a failure. That my dreams do scare me. That the vision I am purposed to accomplish sometimes seems like a a dream that will never be actualized. While these fears are valid, they are also crippling.

An exercise I found to be most valuable is writing what I feel about a certain goal I want to accomplish and then also writing what it actually is. Feelings can cloud our judgement and cause us to not follow through because the negative self is trying to convince us it cannot be done.

Are there days I feel completely free from self doubt? Of course not. What I do know this is this: I am one step closer to fulfilling my external goals because I am actively working on me internally.

As the year comes to a close, I encourage you all to reflect on the areas you would like to grow in and make a plan towards it. Best of luck to you all and Happy New Year!!

7 thoughts on “What Actually Happened Was…”

  1. You are an amazing woman and so blessed that our paths have crossed. Your wisdom, self-reflection and words are a gift. Thank you for being YOU! ❤️

  2. This was an excellent post! I also didn’t accomplish all the goals that I set for myself a year ago, but as you highlighted in this piece, it’s always important to record what you didn’t accomplish in 2018 and plan to improve these areas in 2019. Thanks for the encouragement and thank you for your weekly posts!

  3. Amen! While “faith without works is dead,” I believe the converse is also true: Work without faith is dead. We believe whatever we tell ourselves.

  4. Amazing as usual. When i reflect on the younger us- there was immaturity, lack of understanding, doubt, pain but always faith. The journey you used to discover yourself is only yours to claim. You can’t fear your choices in life, rather look to them in full hope that God is the sand you plant your feet upon. I am so proud of the friend gained a 100 years ago and the woman she mirrors today. You are coming a long way…and with a long way there’s always something to learn. This year will claim you free in many things….enjoy the ride. Love you always!

  5. Thank you for being so transparent. It only shows that the therapy you seeked is working. You are definitely on the right path.

  6. Wow you hit on the nail. I’m still proud of you. Everything that you mentioned was still growth. I know 2019 will be the year of change.

  7. Ashlee, I am very thankful for you sharing this. I needed to hear this, literally at this very moment. I love your transparency and how you allow your vulnerability to be a strength. Some of the same things you struggle with, are things I struggle with too. I appreciate you. Happy 2019 to you as well.

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