Vindication

Dear self,

I forgive you.

Sincerely,
A. Diamond

I’ve written/said this many times. No follow through.

The questions remain: why is it so difficult to really move past our mistakes? Are we undeserving of another chance? Are we that self loathing that we cannot move past the decisions we made that made sense at the time?

Forgiveness is a microcosm to self improvement.

Owning up to your blunder or uh-oh is not admitting you’re a failure. It reinforces you are human and don’t have all the answers. You do the best with the information available to you and hope you’re making the right decision. I’ve found myself stumbling in many areas of my life; motherhood, friendships, career aspirations, self care. Uncertainty is the stench that spreads to all areas in your life.

To fumigate this stench, it is absolutely paramount, you learn to first forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for the person you let in who you knew would hurt you. The person you allowed in and  compromised your morals for. The person who used you for their benefit. The person you keep running to in spite of the toxicity of your relationship with them. The person you keep abusing and the heart who deals with the aftermath.

Forgive yourself for doing what felt right.

Humans have a need, a desire to connect with others. In pursuit of this need, we often accept volatility, which often leads to depression, anger, and resentment. We want so much to be loved forgetting self love is the standard in which we must measure who we let stay in our lives. From the inception of birth, we learn love as this thing to give away and the rest will follow. Before you impart pieces of yourself to anyone, learning self love is a necessity.

We look at loving ourselves as a luxury. This mindset must change.

Why do we shy away from self love?

We shrug away from going out alone for fear of looking pathetic. What good is it being out with others when you still feel lonely? Thrusting ourselves in circles we do not belong to results in impersonation. You start to behave in ways that are foreign to you which soon become a way of life resulting in a dichotomous lifestyle. Who you are in one group setting completely differs from who you are in another. This facade you wear becomes burdensome.

How do we learn self love?

You owe it to yourself to get to know who you are. To figure out what makes you tick, laugh, what elicits stimulation and what drains you. This is a necessary stepping stone that allows you an advantage when meeting new people. You will often know within minutes if they’re a good fit for you.  Make no apologies for setting time aside for yourself to journal. To go on a solo adventure.  This introspection makes it easier to see yourself through a clearer lens instead of the way we try to see ourselves through others’ perspective.

As we navigate through this thing called life, you will have many “dear self” moments where you need to give yourself permission to forgive. You will find less need to offer apology through building and sustaining a relationship with you first.

8 thoughts on “Vindication”

  1. My life has brought many moments where I had to walk alone. It’s uncomfortable and lonely at times but it forces you to become one with yourself. Moving to different cities, having to start over to meet new people or sustain relationships from afar teaches you a lot about yourself. I am so comfortable being alone now that I like who I am when the music stops. I find that to be very important because if you don’t like being with you who else will? Taking time to love yourself helps you grow and become a better person. This was such a good read. Thanks for reminding us that it’s okay to put your self first!

  2. “To fumigate this stench, it is absolutely paramount, you learn to first forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for the person you let in who you knew would hurt you. The person you allowed in and compromised your morals for. The person who used you for their benefit. The person you keep running to in spite of the toxicity of your relationship with them.”
    Ashlee, this brought me to tears. This is what I struggle with on a daily basis, tormenting myself over why I allowed my ex-husband to disrepect and abuse me for so many years. I rack my brain trying to make sense of why I allowed all of these things to keep going for 7 long years, knowing that I was compromising my morals, my values, my own health and well being. and my HAPPINESS! I’m constantly searching for the answer to “why?” And I suppose I do this because I haven’t been able to forgive myself for the profoundly poor choice I made in staying for so long.

    1. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, your current struggle and angst. I know all too well how hard it is to forgive yourself for the things you knew better than to stay in. Here is the thing, you underwent so much, but you are not defeated. Know the power in that, your gift of photography can be used as testimony, as your freedom. I am glad you are delivered and even more proud you are speaking on what had you shackled. Break out of those chains completely and forgive yourself. Many blessings to you.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *