I consider all the ways I haven’t been able to forgive myself. All the times I was complicit in the mistreatment of myself. All the times I let people come before me. I consider my upbringing. All the ways I was taught to be silent in my pain, my struggle, my hardship. How improper it is to admit that I’m a mess.
It’s a Wednesday. On this particular day, I’ve overslept. I’m not able to complete my daily routine to help kickstart my day in a positive direction. I have no idea on a plan for the kids. I’m irritable. I have fussed at Kynedi and her mood is now affected. Sadness seeps into her. I’m too upset to coax it out of her.
Panic is setting in. Breathing is erratic. The tears that have been threatening to fall make their debut. I want to go home. I want to sink into my sheets and throw the day into an incinerator.
My need to have it all together doesn’t allow me to wallow much. And then there’s the tiny voice of my daughter. She asks, “Are you ok?” I finally stop. Consider what she is asking. The “yes” that comes out is unsure. Is unsteady. Is a lie. I’m afraid to admit to her that I’m in shambles and it’s barely 7AM.
In all her six year old wisdom, she tells me she loves me. My thoughts come to a halt. I am now feeling the calmest I’ve felt since I’ve been out of bed.
I smile finally. What is so important about being loved especially during the times we feel it is undeserved? I am aware of how unnecessarily rude I was to Kynedi, and am aware that I am steeping in my own negativity.
When love shows up when we least expect it; be it when we are hurting or upset or second guessing ourselves, it has the capacity to stop us in our tracks, still us, and turn us the other way. It has the ability to soften where we are rigid, heal where we are broken. And all the jagged parts of me wants nothing more than to be smoothed out into the version of me that makes a positive impact.
Clarity comes and is in the classroom. I apologize to Kynedi. I explain to her my morning isn’t going the best and that I need her help to get things done in an orderly/efficient fashion. She tells me she understands and we hug. The heavy weight that was on my chest has started to rise.
Sometimes to keep it all together, you have to come to terms with what is falling apart. The beauty in each day will not always be apparent to you. Sometimes the stuff from the prior day carries over into a new day not allowing you to see clearly. Sometimes our belief about a day being out to get us is the energy we put out, so the universe can only echo that sentiment. Sometimes it’s just a shitty part of your day.
Through it all, I encourage you to let healthy love remove the part or parts that aren’t helpful. Th part that feels like it is draining you. Let love heal and transform you.
Just for clarity; all love is not for you. To be discussed in next month’s post. Make sure you tune in!