Because Love

 

I consider all the ways I haven’t been able to forgive myself. All the times I was complicit in the mistreatment of myself. All the times I let people come before me. I consider my upbringing. All the ways I was taught to be silent in my pain, my struggle, my hardship. How improper it is to admit that I’m a mess. 

It’s a Wednesday. On this particular day, I’ve overslept. I’m not able to complete my daily routine to help kickstart my day in a positive direction.  I have no idea on a plan for the kids. I’m irritable. I have fussed at Kynedi and her mood is now affected. Sadness seeps into her. I’m too upset to coax it out of her.
Once at the schoolhouse, the printer isn’t working. I’ve fallen up the steps consequently spilling tea on myself. I can’t find my keys.
Panic is setting in. Breathing is erratic. The tears that have been threatening to fall make their debut. I want to go home. I want to sink into my sheets and throw the day into an incinerator.

My need to have it all together doesn’t allow me to wallow much. And then there’s the tiny voice of my daughter. She asks, “Are you ok?” I finally stop. Consider what she is asking. The “yes” that comes out is unsure. Is unsteady. Is a lie. I’m afraid to admit to her that I’m in shambles and it’s barely 7AM.

In all her six year old wisdom, she tells me she loves me. My thoughts come to a halt. I am now feeling the calmest I’ve felt since I’ve been out of bed.

I smile finally. What is so important about being loved especially during the times we feel it is undeserved? I am aware of how unnecessarily rude I was to Kynedi, and am aware that I am steeping in my own negativity.

When love shows up when we least expect it; be it when we are hurting or upset or second guessing ourselves, it has the capacity to stop us in our tracks, still us, and turn us the other way. It has the ability to soften where we are rigid, heal where we are broken. And all the jagged parts of me wants nothing more than to be smoothed out into the version of me that makes a positive impact.

Clarity comes and is in the classroom. I apologize to Kynedi. I explain to her my morning isn’t going the best and that I need her help to get things done in an orderly/efficient fashion. She tells me she understands and we hug. The heavy weight that was on my chest has started to rise.

Sometimes to keep it all together, you have to come to terms with what is falling apart. The beauty in each day will not always be apparent to you. Sometimes the stuff from the prior day carries over into a new day not allowing you to see clearly. Sometimes our belief about a day being out to get us is the energy we put out, so the universe can only echo that sentiment. Sometimes it’s just a shitty part of your day.

Through it all, I encourage you to let healthy love remove the part or parts that aren’t helpful. Th part that feels like it is draining you. Let love heal and transform you.

Just for clarity; all love is not for you. To be discussed in next month’s post. Make sure you tune in!

6 thoughts on “Because Love”

  1. Wow! Ashlee, you know how to take every negative emotion that we can feel and spin it in a positive. I know it isn’t easy writing these but I know you speak for some voices who are unheard for whatever reason. Bless you

    This post turned the two weeks I have been having turn positive

  2. I feel this so much..so much pressure to keep it together, especially in front of your child. But yes..negative thinking does manifest throughout the day. It’s important to keep the positive vibes so that the little things won’t bother you as much.

  3. Very valid points I love how you always go back and rectify when you’re wrong. How you are transparent, but willing to continue to build yourself for Kyn. Great read I loved it. Thank you for sharing!

  4. As a mother and a teacher I can totally relate to this experience . Children are so observant and intuitive. They truly are blessings and mirrors.

  5. It’s amazing how He will use children to help round us into shape. A family should be a unit that relies on one another in various ways. Thank God it is okay to not have good moments in the day and He helps us rebound.

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